DEALING WITH LOSS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

Despite high expectations to be a period filled with joy and happiness, Christmas can be a tough time for those mourning loved ones. And this challenge is no different to the thousands of parents who have experienced baby or pregnancy loss.

Heartbreakingly, we lose 700 babies everyday in the UK but the subject of baby loss still remains taboo and leaves families struggling in silence, especially this time of year.

So whether it should have been your baby’s first Christmas, you were planning to share a positive pregnancy test with your friends at family at the dinner table, or you’re missing the baby you lost 50 years ago, we’ve enlisted help from Zoe Clark-Coates to help you navigate what can be such a difficult time.

Zoe, who is a trained counselor and CEO of The Mariposa Trust, set up her charity after going through five miscarriages herself. The charity provides free support to people affected by baby loss, pregnancy after baby loss, fertility, adoption and more. The Trust has become the leading support charity in this field, reaching over 50,000 people a week.

“Firstly, it’s important to have boundaries. You decide how much you can or can’t handle around the holiday season. It can feel easier to bow to family or friend pressure when it comes to attending events but know that it is OK to say no. For some, attending gatherings can be a helpful distraction, whilst for others, it can be too difficult. Only you know which is best for you.

“Secondly, while sometimes there’s no escaping Christmas especially if you have young children, remember you can choose whether you celebrate Christmas at all. When I was grieving, the temptation was to lock myself away and pretend that the festivities were not even taking place; however, I tried to focus on what the true meaning of Christmas actually is… love. Once I removed the pressure to be happy and full of Christmas cheer, I was able to gather with friends and family and appreciate genuine connection, where I could be real about my pain and connect with those I loved.”

“It can also be comforting to start new traditions to honour those who have run on ahead. This can be a beautiful way of incorporating those who are no longer here into the present day. Hang a Christmas decoration with their name on your tree, buy a tree for your garden, and watch it grow year on year or attend one of our remembrance services which are held online – www.sayinggoodbye.org/services”

“Remember, it is OK to feel reticent about moving into a new calendar year. For some (especially those who have lost someone in 2021), moving in to 2022 can feel challenging, as they are fearful that their right to grieve will have somehow expired when they can no longer say, I lost ‘x’ earlier this year. Please know that your right to grieve does not have an expiration date on it; whether your loss was yesterday or 70-years ago, you are allowed to mourn. Grief is a lifelong journey that changes and adapts to each season, but it is not something that ends… your grief muscles just get stronger at carrying the loss.”

“The temptation for the bereaved, especially here in the UK, is to put a fake smile on your face and pretend that you are OK. The more honest you can be about your feelings and emotions, the easier it can be to navigate life. True strength is shown when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable about our pain. You don’t need to suffer in silence, and charities such as www.sayinggoodbye.org work 365-days a year, so if you need support, just reach out.”

“Finally, remember that you don’t need to feel guilty for smiling and having fun. The bereaved often falsely believe that one should constantly be crying or displaying visible signs of grief, to show the world that they are suffering and that they have lost someone they loved, and I certainly experienced this myself. It took some time before I truly grasped that I could move forward guilt-free and smile and laugh without feeling like I am betraying those I have lost. I now live for them and me, and when I smile and enjoy life, I am honouring their existence and appreciating the gifts they bought me, which are to seize the day and not take anything for granted.”